Less than 50 days to go, the feeling is…

by Namrata Nautiyal
6 comments
Feeling

Opens the dictionary…lists down all the feelings possible…happy, excited, sad, overwhelmed, exhausted, confused, indifferent, tired, afraid, emotional, extremely loved and the list just goes on and on and on. Now you might think, what a blogger…opened google and just jotted down everything she could find on the first page 😛

But let me tell you, ask any bride-to-be…and she will give you a longer list. I got engaged way back in March, what feels like eternity now, and I thought I was well prepared in advance – I did so many months of careful planning…had the best of wedding apps downloaded, a wedding planning book, my friends and checklist all in place….then why am I feeling all these emotions now…

Its just that, no amount of planning-plotting prepares you for the herculean event that your wedding is ! Period.

Past two days have been crazy hectic work, and today I finally have a day off, so I thought let me write a fun post. I had a topic ready, wrote three lines of content and then felt…this is not how I feel today…I don’t want to talk about this…and so started this post instead.

FYI, I should warn you this is a cry baby post….so in case you are looking for something fun and (not) meaningful – then you should check out the post on Amazon Fashion Week. There are some oh-how-much-I-would-love-to-have-that… kind of pictures in there 🙂

I have spoken about all my wedding woes related to wedding vendors, shopping trips etc on the blog but today I am just going to take the liberty to think this post as one of my diary entries.

Every time I speak to the fiance, we both are super excited about our new beginning. Coming so close. Its almost scary. Scary for me, not for him so much. Such a boy thing…Everything is going to be new, different and its so much fun to talk about. “I will take up cooking, you take over cleaning”…hahaha…still debating on that one…I was pleasantly surprised yesterday when the fiance said, “do you know, you’re coming to your new home in 47 days!“….hehe…normally its such a girl thing to keep track of days left… but it was so sweet of him to be counting days too…I tell him, I am coming, coming soon…and at that minute mumma walks in.

Immediately I feel this river of emotions just by looking at her. As exciting it is to be going to the fiance’s house in less than 2 months, its that much more difficult to even comprehend leaving my mum behind. I can’t even begin to imagine what she must be going through right now. I know on the outside she is strong and happy and overjoyed with the wedding news, but deep down I don’t think she is able to handle it. How can she, I have lived every single day of my life with her…now all of a sudden, she has to let me go…

How will I pass my time without you, who will I wait for in the evenings to come home on time and chitter-chat with, who will take me for all the shopping trips…who will ask me if I am not keeping well, or am feeling down…who will look after me when you’re gone…

I keep the phone down and give her a peck on the cheek and leave the room in a hurry. The venue person is pinging me on whatsapp, I hurriedly wipe my tears off and its immediately a 360 degree turn, I have my sword and armour ready…because that’s what it takes to talk to wedding vendors.

The venue wants to charge me 15k for every extra hour! I want close to 6 hours extra…which means you do the math…its insane. I am so angry at the moment, but I try to keep my cool, I have paid the booking amount and I need this situation sorted anyhow. I plan up a meeting to discuss this face to face and try to end the conversation. Its just too much ransom these guys are blatantly asking…

The minute it comes to wedding planning…my mind starts to rush, I have mehendi pending, pandit ji situation to sort out, final food tasting, shoes to buy…and the list goes on and on. But as compared to before when I was quite bothered with every little detail…I have a total indifferent attitude now to everything…

MakeUp Artist: Booked ! I know she is charging me 2-3k extra, but at this point of time, my mental peace comes at a higher rate…so done.

Wedding Card: Selected. In less than 1 hours time. Cannot obsess about this. In the longer list of things, this is as it is on the lower end of the priority list.

Mehendi Artist: nahi mili toh bhaad mein jaaye“….I will just do a gol mehendi filled up hands the way Mira Rajput did…for all I care…I am not listening to any more tantrums by all these wedding vendors ! Which makes me wonder a little bit…was Mira also exhausted by the end of it, that she went for gol mehendi or was it by choice?

feeling

Save the Date Cards: No energy left. Cannot smile for one more pic. Chucked out from the wedding planning !

Its exhausting to be wanting the perfect things at the perfect price. It doesn’t happen all the time. Its good if you have the time to push things around, but sometimes you just have to let it go…

I walk over to the other room, and my grandpa is busy talking to my grandma about the wedding. He sees me and with some irritation says, “why can’t you ask the fiance to get a job here?” We have another house, you can live there. I will shoo the tenants asap. Hehehe…my sweet loving grandpa…I giggle to which he says, what will I do without my assistant, who helps me send all my emails and attachments…proofreads my research papers….I try to explain to him the technology and boon that is Team Viewer and the advantages of having skype, but nothing seems to comfort him….

When my dadi leaves the room, he quietly comes close and tells me, “if you go, who will order Pizza from Pizza Hut and allow me to have slices without anyone knowing“…. *heart melts*

Its overwhelming to go through these moments in life. I have lived 25+ years with my family…(see how I don’t want to give out my age 😛 ) and don’t get me wrong, I am more than thrilled to embrace my new life, my new family, fresh start…I know I am going to get a love of love from the other side…but I can’t help feeling as though I am standing at the edge of the cliff….waiting for the unknown

This waiting time is just so excruciating…you know there is something good in store for you at the end of the tunnel, but the time leading to it has such a ticklish feeling. I am afraid at times at what might be expected out of me, whether I would be able to make everyone happy, whether I would live upto their expectations…tired sometimes thinking about all these things. You end up taking so many roles the minute you are married…I am already a bhabhi, will become a bahu soon, a beti to my pa in-law….and countless other relations…

No amount of preparation can prepare you for this !

 

Pa in-law reminds me of my daddy. I think he is taking this marriage the hardest. Late night when I am sleeping, I know he comes to cuddle me thoda sa every night. I pretend to sleep because I don’t think either of us can face our emotions, but its been like this for days now. Every time I talk to my fiance about why the days are not going faster, something at the back of my mind reminds me of my mum and dad….and in a way to not jinx anything…I quickly tell myself why can’t the days go by any slower…

In this whole life changing event, I try to stay normal at best. I tell everyone there is nothing to worry about, its a love marriage not arranged, I know the fiance since long, and we will be healthy happy. I keep jumping around in the house in all excitement whenever somebody is discussing the wedding and I try to keep everyone else calm during this storm of an event. I think I am doing a good job…but even I have my days when I need a pillow…and all my close friends and relatives next to me.

My first cousin who is studying in the US told me a year back when my wedding got fixed, that no matter what he will come attend the wedding. He is in the first year of engineering and all of us thought it is impossible for him to come given my wedding is not during the holidays and moreover is on a weekday. Neither thanksgiving nor christmas holidays is covering my wedding day. All of us told him, not to miss any semester or exams, and to keep college as priority, but he was hell bent on coming. And so yesterday, I found out that he infact is coming. He chose his subjects accordingly and spoke to his professors to accommodate the holidays and I don’t know what all promises he must have made just to be able to come for the wedding…

I pinged him yesterday, and he simply said as a matter of fact, “Didn’t I tell you I was coming? Why is it such a surprise for you?” That’s how loved I felt at that time. May be its the bridal nerves or something….but I cry at the drop of a hat these days. I feel so loved to know that so many people are taking the time out from their hectic lives to come for me, to be a part of the joy that is huge in my life right now, and feel that this is that much important to them as well….its the best feeling ever…

 

I want to tell all you brides that, the perfect lehenga or the perfect make up artist, or the perfect photographer are all trivial things in the larger scope of things. Its wiser to step away from those little irritants and truly enjoy the moments that are blessed upon us.

Mumma, Papa I will always love you…

 

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6 comments

Anuja Shah October 16, 2015 - 3:15 pm

So true about crying at a drop of a hat. Reading this post just made me cry a little.

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Frugal2Fab October 16, 2015 - 8:36 pm

I was feeling so drained out…that this is me entirely just putting it all out there…I couldn’t keep it in me. So overwhelming all of it.

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Surbhi October 16, 2015 - 3:48 pm

Such a beautiful post. 🙂 Tears in my eyes. Mummy Papa I love you so much 🙁

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Frugal2Fab October 16, 2015 - 8:38 pm

Thank you 🙂 I didn’t want anyone to cry, but I am glad you liked my ‘diary entry’….I was feeling a bit emotional today morning…so wrote this…

I think I need to say I love you to my parents more…I just don’t do it often, and I am so blessed to have them in life…to have lived everyday with them…I don’t think I can internalize what its going to mean to not get to see them daily…its a little heartbreaking…

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s October 17, 2015 - 12:50 am

Beautifully written! I can’t imagine how many emotions you must be feeling at the same time! I loved the part in the end where you say that it’s not the perfect things or venue that make a memorable and beautiful wedding – it’s that feeling of pure joy and of being loved that makes the journey so special!

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Frugal2Fab October 20, 2015 - 8:57 am

Hey, thank you so much for liking the post 🙂 I was running a little high on emotions that day…but as the days go by, its just becoming worse…I thought I would handle it well…but apparently not >_<

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